He survived the hell of reconversion therapies to ‘cure’ homosexuality

All naked meditating in the forest.They shout at a chair that represents its turbulent relationship with your father.They learn to walk in a masculine way.They try to like women.These are some of the activities with which a conversion therapy tried to ‘cure’ the homosexuality of Christopher Dean.And like him, thousands of homosexuals hopeful to change that part of him for which they were being discriminated.

The activities that ‘cure’ homosexuality

Dean, 27 and who now lives in Madrid, grew up in Ohio, United States, in a family of Mormons.The Mormons "are not Amish, as some believe," he points out.They do not even live segregated in isolated neighborhoods, as with some evangelical or Jewish communities."I had a normal childhood, only that I had some stricter rules, such as being a virgin until marriage, not drinking alcohol, tea or coffee, paying 10% of the salary to the church and not having gay relations."

Dean grew up in this context, with the speech that homosexuality was not right."All my life had told me that it was something bad," he explains, "and when you discover that you like men, you feel like a sinner and that becomes your identity.That crushes self -esteem. ”Upon receiving all these inputs, Dean tried to fight his own orientation."I forced myself to go out with girls, waiting to marry one of them."In this attempt to expel the homosexuality of him, he went to a conversion therapy.

"I was by my own decision, although it is very common to go by obligation."The therapy was a kind of camps organized by Gais that theoretically had 'healed ’."We did many activities," he recalls. Some approached sexuality from the psychological - "although there were no psychologists or medical teams," he clarifies - others from the physical.

“There were activities that used contact to try to meet the physical needs you have and repress.Others had no contact, but used nudity. ”These pretended to undress the participants to wish the male body."We took off our clothes and did" therapeutic "activities.Once we went to the forest to do nudist meditation, another went to a pool. ”The purpose was to return to the childhood mentality where the body is something natural, "as if you naked everywhere without importing, without sexual component."

Beyond eliminating the attraction to the male body, coexistence also wanted to awaken attraction towards women and solve family problems.Believing that homosexuality arose from a bad relationship with your parents, they made dynamics to explore it.“Once they took us to a basement, there were two rows and we had a woman in front, 15 meters.You had to approach the woman, taking out all the rabies saved inside her, those "traumas" that they had made you gay ’, whether shouting or insulting.Then, she had to approach emanating male energy, for example dancing without minimally feminine movements.Again they put an empty chair that your father represented to shout, ”she details.

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Conversion therapy ... works?

Conversion therapies do not work.Not only is it scientifically demonstrated but homosexuality is not a disease and, therefore, there is nothing to cure.In fact, these therapies can cause more bad than good.For Dean they were a nest of frustrations: “I excited myself and disappointed.I thought I was going to "cure’, but she never arrived.I believed that if I struggled I would get it, but it didn't happen.You feel like a failure because you can't get what others had supposedly achieved. ”

Those who had achieved the false cure of homosexuality were the models to follow.However, as Dean points out, there are many who end up leaving the closet, because all they had achieved was to suppress their identity.For others, even this repression could become deadly.“I remember a case of a married man and with children who committed suicide.It was a very strong blow to the whole community because he had been like a leader, nobody knew that he was so bad, ”Dean laments.

Long -term psychological effects

For most LGTBI people who have attended therapies, psychological effects are not only limited to frustration of not being able to heal ’.On the contrary, once they have reconciled with their sexual or gender identity, they usually continue to drag internalized homophobia for years.Dean is an example.“I have made a lot of progress, but there are many times that I feel that pressure, that internalized homophobia.Dowers that you don't understand why, you feel alone and sad, and I think most are the result of that trauma of so many years.I have improved a lot, it will continue for a long time and it is not easy for anyone. ”

To understand these feelings well, use a metaphor.“Internalized homophobia is like a broken mirror.You look, but you don't see the real reflection of who you are.You are distorted, there are parts that are not well, that look uglier than they really are.You look and you don't like you.For many years they have told you that what you feel and do is wrong.And so you feel, bad.It is a deep conflict between who you are and what they tell you that you cannot be or do, ”Dean laments.

It is still a very present reality

It is clear that current conversion therapies are no longer like those of Hollywood horror movies.There are no longer electric shock and drowning therapies of Guantanamo.Today they have disguised themselves with a more acceptable and therapeutic appearance, but equally harmful.That is why it is so important that the victims give their testimony.And that is why, Dean is not the only one who has decided to raise his voice.Garrard Conley also wanted to tell his experience through the book Boy Erased (erased identity), whose film adaptation will soon be released in Spain.

The parallels between the case of Dean and Conley are many.The activities and therapies are very similar, and always with the same objective: reinforce heterosexuality and suppress homosexual drives.Even so, there are some differences between both stories."In boy erased the organizer of coexistence is prototypically bad, but in my case they were not bad but victims like me, living my same situation, my same lie. In addition, the protagonist realizes that he will not heal and never triesReally. I struggled a lot, thinking that I was going to work. ”

Of course, the conclusion of Dean's testimonies, Conley and other victims of conversion therapies is the same: it is difficult to leave, but it is worth doing.“When you are so inside a community with a homophobic culture so strong that it is everywhere you don't know how to get out.You think you are alone, but there is always someone who will support you, ”says Dean.“I previously lived constantly pressed to be a person who really wasn't.Now I think I'm happier.I no longer feel ignored and invisible.I am not repressing my identity.Before every day it was a battle against myself, now there is much more peace of mind, "Dean concludes. The path to inner peace is hard, but rewarding.